One week to go

In exactly one week and 8 hours I will be starting the first day of work at my new job. I'm getting a little nervous about it already, because I'm not really sure what to expect. I get the impression there will be quite a lot of translating from French to English, which suits me. I'm very comfortable switching from one to the other at a moments notice - probably because I'm used to my parents doing it at home, so I've grown up listening to it and doing it already myself. I also had a translation class a couple of semesters ago at university and always did very well in it, so I'm reasonably confident about that. It's just a new place, new people, new customs, new lots of things and who doesn't get butterflies about that? On top of that I'm a little vague on the exact details of the things I will have to do at work (I have a 'project' description, but my particular role isn't entirely clear...), which certainly doesn't help.

Since I'm not far from Annecy at the moment, I've already moved a lot of things into my studio there and I'm really happy with it. The rent's quite high (because of the location) - it's more than double what I was paying in Belgium - but on the other hand it's completely private (bathroom and kitchen as well), is well situated and is well laid out. I'm looking forward to living there, because I already know two people there and have a feeling I'm going to enjoy the work and the other people I will meet there, plus there are always company-subsidized skiing trips; certainly not something to be frowned upon!

The UN

This isn't very TCK-related, but it's essentially an international topic and it cracks me up. I found an article entitled "Why the United States just doesn't get the United Nations". The article's kind of interesting, but what caught my attention was the second comment, at the bottom:

All very flowery, but why would we (the US) want to support an organization that is blatantly anti-American and works unceasingly to strip all countries of their sovereignty?

I like the American way of life and I resent any organization that tries to strip my rights from me, especially if it’s not an organization over which I have any electoral sway.

The UN displays in innumerable ways its contempt for this country, its people, and our beliefs.

I’m glad that you feel so passionately about the UN. I also feel passionately about it. I think it should be forced from our shores. Let someone else give them a home, but keep them out of our country, out of our politics and out of our lives.

It’s bad enough the control the US government has over our individual lives. Let’s multiply that by 1000 and have a one-world government.

Thanks, but I’ll pass.

As you can see, it's the first sentence that stood out for me. First of all, what, exactly, has the UN ever done that has "stripped the US of its sovereignty"? But more importantly, it's the anti-Americanism claim that bugs me.

Let's use an example. Say you want to go scuba-diving. You don't know how to, so you decide that the best way to do so would be to join a club. So you go along to the club, use the equipment, go on trips that they organise - but you don't pay. Not the membership fee, not for equipment rental, not for transport for trips. So, realistically, how do you expect anyone to respect you, care about your opinion or treat you the way you want? It's the same situation with the US and the UN. They treat it with total disdain, they do not use it as a tool on the international politics stage. As far as I'm concerned, if they don't pay their dues, they shouldn't be allowed to be a member any longer. Sadly I doubt they'd care.

Now it's true that the UN has it's flaws - like any person or organisation. They have had some serious failures, when you look at for example their withdrawal from Haiti in 1993, mistakes in Rwanda in '94, etc. But despite their problems, inefficiencies and oversights, the UN has served a purpose - such as the election in Cambodia in the early 90's (or was it the late 80's?). Or look at statistics. Since the Cold War (which really hindered their work) there has been a huge drop in the number of deadly conflicts and genocides. And as the article above points out, politicians now have an arena where they can discuss and argue about issues around the world. That alone is a reason to say that the UN can succeed.

Mind you, the rest of the author's comment was a fairly impressive display of ignorance as well. Since when has the UN threatened the American way of life? How does it display contempt for the American people and their beliefs? Basically the comment just represents the opinion of an ignorant American who resents the fact that despite being a superpower the rest of the world still holds them responsible for their actions and expects them to abide by a simple human decency that, sadly, doesn't seem to be innately engrained in our souls. Sorry, but that's not how it works. Even if you have more nuclear weapons than the rest of us, you don't have a complete carte blanche to do whatever you want in the rest of the world.

TCKs in the news!

I was just idly listening to a local radio station in Switzerland today (local, but for English speakers in the region i.e. it's a station for international people, called World Radio Switzerland, based in Geneva) and by coincidence they interviewed a psychologist named Rachel Melville Thomas about moving, how to prepare your kids for it, what to expect from them etc. It's great that TCKs and moving families are getting coverage like this, especially in a region where there are a lot of families who work for international companies and organisations and who therefore are highly mobile.

As I listened to the interview, I typed up the questions and answers, because I thought there are probably quite a few people who would be interested in reading about it.

Q: How big a deal is it to move country?
A: Any kind of moving is a big deal, whether it's within a country or internationally. Children like things to stay the same, they like to have a sense of familiarity. Even if parents build up the move, if they say it will be exciting (for example they say that they will be living in a bigger house, they will be able to do activities like ski or ride elephants in India, they will be able to see new things), children won't be convinced - they like the familiar.

Q: When you know that a move is coming up, how far ahead of time should you prepare?
A: It depends on the age of the child. Young children are more or less happy where you are. In this case 2 or 3 months before moving, start practicing with the toddler for the move. For example, I know of a father who, every day after work, played 'moving toys' with his 2 year old. They took a toy truck and the father asked "what should we put in it? This block? This toy?" Consequently the child was prepared for the move and it went well.

Q: What about if the child is say between between 8 and 10?
A: A child at that age can cope with possibilities. Tell them as soon as you have a firmish idea, because they have a 'radar', they can know that something is up - no whispering behind closed doors, they'll pick up on it!.

Q: And what about adolescents/teenagers?
A: This is the hardest group, their whole being is wrapped up in friends and their peer group, activities in that particular geographical place. For some of them a move will be like ripping out the center of their lives. Telling them isn't the hard part, it's about how you manage the reaction. One thing that should be avoided is glossing. Parents tend to gloss - they look on the bright side and don't pay attention to grief. Adults have a wider picture, in other words they can see that the move might make more income for the family, or give a greater cultural experience. This is something that children might not see. Parents worry that their kids won't take it well, so they can go into 'hyperdrive' i.e. they point out only the positive aspects to the move and gloss over the bad bits. There is a school of psychology that says positive thinking is all you need to handle life's difficulties. But it doesn't work! I don't agree with it, especially not for children.

Q: So how do we help kids cope with grief and losing friends?
A: When a parent tells their child or children that say their job has moved, that they have to think about going somewhere else and leave where they are, find a new house etc., the child at this point may have a strong reaction. They might look cross, disappointed, disgruntled, and it's then that parents will go "but but but" - they begin to gloss. Parents SHOULDN'T do that, they should just say "I know" when a child says something like "but it will be hard to leave my friends behind". They should then leave it for a while (a few minutes, hours, days), let the child process it, give them time and space. Let them think about it and hopefully come up with justifications themselves for the move. Also for some people who have recently moved, you will find that sometimes kids like school or the new place, sometimes they don't. For example I was speaking to a girl in Switzerland who said "Switzerland's really rubbish isn't it?". I didn't really respond, I didn't say "how can you say that about Switzerland?" and later the same girl said "mind you, the mountains are nice and the chocolate is good." It's important to let them come to terms with the move, without you constantly trying to drill home the positive points.

Q: What about separating from friends. Do they need a farewell party, or should you visit places they are fond of?
A: I always say that good partings make good arrivals. Help children acknowledge what a special place they lived in. Take pictures of favourite places where you lived even if it's boring things like a park or a shop. With these pictures make an album or book of special places that they can take with them. Make sure that you get e-mail addresses and addresses from people. Take pictures of the actual house or apartment you live in. Some people don't realise they might want to do this until it's full of boxes for moving and everything is in a mess and disorganised.
HOST: I guess that might even help the parents.
RACHEL: Your children will only make as good a move as you are able to foster for them and parents are also coping with loss and change. It might be very hard to put that plastic grin on your face. It's fine to say to your kids things like "I feel sad about saying goodbye to ____ too", or "I will feel sad about not living near the local swimming pool, etc.".

Q: But at some point you do eventually look at the brighter points.
A: When you're talking to children, they have a very powerful internal life, a strong sense of how things are in their minds, their feelings. Pointing to outside things such as treats, rides, mountains, the surrounding culture and so on is only a tiny part of their experience. To feel secure and happy they need an inside feeling of security and comfort that the external things just can't meet. Some people just throw out stuff when they move and say "oh we'll get some new stuff" which isn't necessarily a good idea either.

CALLER, MIKE: I grew up as a military brat, we moved every 3 years more or less.
Q: What difficulties did you face?
A: Well there was definitely the stress of moving a lot. Changing school, for example in one school you might be at the top of your class, but in your new school you were at the bottom. Changing friends was hard as well of course. I think it's made me strong in the long run, but it certainly was hard at the time.
Q: Would you put your children through the same thing now? Would you move them around?
A: No I wouldn't want to. My wife lived in the same house, in the same small town until she grew up. I didn't have that, but I want it for my children.
HOST: Thanks Mike for your comments.

Q: Time to talk about more serious issues. Mike thinks he's a better person for it, but what happens sometimes with some children? Can there be serious ramifications?
A: Yes, some will find it very distressing and disturbing. It effects their ability to develop well and can have an impact on their behaviour and habits.
HOST: Is this more likely to happen with older children?
A: Well I think so. A child's peer group becomes supremely important around 8 and so any disturbances that effect that group are usually more important at an older age.

Q: What signs should parents look out for - what are some signs of not coping?
A: Most signs are behavioural, for example a child not wanting to leave the house, he or she isn't interested in outside activites. Sleep patterns may be disrupted, they might not eat properly or lose their appetite. Also old habits they'd got rid of come back, such as in young children bed wetting or sucking thumbs. Children can also have more coughs and colds. Their immune system goes down. All of these are signs of strain. Generally it's not simply the move that results in this, but it's also difficulties adjusting to the new situation. In many countries you will have the language of origin if it's English (either it will be spoken in the country, or the child will attend an international school where the language is English, even if outside of that enclosure people speak another language) but in some places where there isn't the familiar language, in particular in school, children might feel left out.

CALLER, KEVIN: I moved to Paris at 25, I married a French girl actually. We lived there for 7 years and had two sons. We then moved to Germany when our sons were 5 and 6. We had two more children there. We then moved to Switzerland when they were 5 and 6, so the older ones were 10 and 11. But I wanted to say that it's not just a question of kids, also spouses. The moves were really tough for my wife. Because she wasn't stable, it created knock-on effects for our kids. There was a language change twice - first from English to French and then from French to German. The kids were confused, they didn't know what language to speak. Kids adapt very well, they can put up with a lot. But a couple has to be stable.

RACHEL: A move puts strain on the whole family. You can see stresses popping up all over, which children can pick up on. It requires an enormous amount of tolerance from the non-working partner to working partner and vice versa. The working partner (often the man) wants to get on with life. It's very exciting, with new stimulating challenges. He or she may come home to find his or her partner unhappy, disgruntled or depressed and might say "what's wrong with you, go out and meet people". Women's relations with other women are scientifically proven to help their health in the long-run. One thing that may upset women is social input. The need to find a new support group as quickly as possible, through activities or school-based things perhaps, but they also need to stay in touch with their old support group. One thing I've gotten into recently is Skype, which I think is great for keeping in touch with old friends. Women need to find someone close to them, their mother, a sister, someone you trust. At the inter-spouse level it's also important to avoid glossing and to be prepared to accept grief and work through it.

Q: What steps should be taken if parents think kids aren't coping?
A: The first thing to do is pay attention to the child. Try asking politely what's wrong. However the child probably won't be able to say much or open up. But giving them space to do so can work. For example sympathising with them helps them feel like they have an opportunity to talk and open up - children look for a way in. You can give that to him by saying something like "oh it's not going quite as well as we thought it might". If parents are so positive about the move, how, as a child, do you say it's not going well? The child thinks "they're so happy with it, I can't let the side down". Talk to their teachers as well to see how things are going at school. They can also have friends outside of school, so get involved in activities, sports or otherwise, in your own language. They need to have home bases in their life.

Q: What time of timescale can you expect for transition? What if say after 12 months the child is still unhappy?
A: I think in Kevin's example the kids adjusted pretty well. You should expect that 6 to 8 months after moving they might still be wistful or sorrowful and that's fine. However, if there are still behavioural (sleeping/eating problems), some kind of functional breakdown at this time, you need to find help.

That was the end of the interview, but apparently the same psychologist will be back again next week, presumably at the same time. If I catch the interview again, expect another post along these lines!

Lifestyle habits

Thanks to Brice on TCKID for this! Below are 10 lifestyle habits that are very typical of your average TCK. All of them apply to me - with possibly the exception of 7, but my parents read a lot and I just grew up reading a lot... quite often when I left a country we'd sell off some of the books we'd picked up in the time we were there, but we still tended to move with quite a few.

1. Monthly plans for everything. Phone, Cable TV, and Internet. There’s no way I’ll buy a 3-year plan.

2. Laptop instead of a bulky Desktop PC. It’s useful when you visit family overseas.

3. I prefer to rent furnished. The thought of buying furniture irks me.

4. I don’t heavily decorate my room. Why bother buying fancy curtains and repainting? I’ll move soon.

5. I prefer watching movies online than owning DVDs. No, I’m not a pirate!

6. I’m very frugal. The less stuff I own, the less tied down and happier I feel.

7. I borrow books whenever possible. Ever tried moving a library? It’s not fun - books are heavy!

8. My career is mobile. I like being able to decide where I want to work.

9. I don’t have a large wardrobe at home but I dress well.

10. I don’t own any large pets.

What's funny is that just before I read this ten 'traits', I was buying a few things with my parents for the place I'm moving into in France later this month. I was very reluctant to buy furniture (there's only very basic furniture) and when I finally agreed to buy some, I really only wanted to go for something cheap - why spend lots when you're just going to leave it behind/sell it soon??

Blasé attitude?

Last night I got into a discussion with a couple of family members about our attitude to cultural differences. Obviously being a family of ATCKs/highly mobile parents, we have no problem with cultural differences - in fact that's one of the main reasons for moving around overseas. But what we were discussing was our rather blasé attitude to those differences. Clearly if you were to drop me in say the middle of Kazakhstan, or any other country, I would notice that I was no longer in the same country I was in a second ago. But I don't necessarily consciously notice cultural differences anymore.

When I was in Belgium in particular, in an international setting, there were cultural differences all around me, some of which I picked up on. Others however I didn't notice immediately, especially since I've spent quite a few months (probably adding up to about 2 years) over the last decade in French speaking countries (France and Switzerland). But with the other international people I was around, I frequently noticed that they picked up on differences that I may have noticed, but hadn't consciously thought about. Most of these were the subtle differences that, once you've spent some time in one place, you simply don't notice. So I'm a little unsure whether this comes from simply my mobile background or from the fact that I'm somewhat 'used' to the French style culture that I was in.

Examples of the some of the differences I didn't notice were available foods in the supermarkets, locations of shops/other facilities (e.g. train tracks being right next to main roads, whereas in the UK they aren't), styles of greetings (kissing on the cheek or shaking hands, rather than the no contact British approach), etc.

It makes me wonder if, with time, TCKs gradually lose the ability to get as much out of an overseas experience as we used to. Or is it the other way round - do non-TCKs eventually have the ability to get more out of an overseas experience than we do, as a result of their fixed cultural mindset and their relative inexperience with other cultures? Or do we still get as much out of it as we used to - perhaps even more than a non-TCK - we simply don't necessarily notice it immediately?

On the other hand, when I repatriated, even though I was supposed to be living in my own/home culture, I almost noted the differences more than in my previous host countries. So maybe it's more a question of comfort. When I'm in a country where I am clearly not a native, I feel more comfortable than in a country where I'm a 'hidden immigrant' (i.e. I look the same on the outside and have the nationality, but inside I think different and my cultural views are simply not the same). So even though I might feel like I should fit in, I don't - making the differences more stark in my view than the differences I would experience in a country where I shouldn't and don't fit in culturally. In my recent case in Belgium, even though I looked like I could fit in (being white), I knew in my mind that there was no reason real reason for me to be expected to conform to their culture since I'm not Belgian. On top of that, I don't have a Belgian accent (in French) and my French isn't as fluent as a native speaker's - therefore I'm not really a hidden immigrant there. So in theory I could be a hidden immigrant (ignoring the language aspect) - just without the added pressure of feeling like something was wrong for not fitting in.

Christmas among cultures

The holiday season is beginning to draw to a close, and I hope you've all passed a good Christmas with family/friends/whoever you spent the period with! I've been with family and I'll be heading off to France (or at least a different part of it since I'm already in France) sometime around the middle of January. In the last couple of days I've found a small studio to rent, which is a big relief, since it was getting a little last minute and I thought I'd struggle to find something. Luckily something opened up and so I found something fairly decent at a good price (for a student!). Now I 'just' need to arrange a bank account, phone, internet access...

During the holiday I've been reading through the TCK book by David Pollock and Ruth van Reken and I got to thinking about the few months I spent in Belgium and the cultures I'd met up with there. Most of the time I was with Spaniards, Italians, Germans or English people, not with Belgians, but it meant I experienced a good mix of Western European culture - since they were all nationals of those countries and not TCK's like me, so they had their own home culture. As I mentioned in my previous post, at the end of my stay in Belgium we all got together for a Christmas meal. But when we discussed what to cook, the different cultural traditions came out. The English people wanted to cook a Turkey, the Germans wanted to cook a goose, and a Spaniard said "ah, we can cook a fish!" I didn't really notice it at first to be honest - since I'm used to cultural differences and they are 'normal' to me. I only picked up on it when the others started talking about it.

It was interesting, as a spectator, because I, an ATCK, got to see other adults becoming a form of ATCK. As they were all beyond their developmental years they technically weren't becoming TCKs, but they were experiencing cultural differences first-hand just the way I did first as a child - so actually watching it happen was something new to me.