Wanderlust TCK is moving!

After looking around at some other blogs, I finally decided to move mine to a different host. Blogger hasn't been bad, but from what I've seen so far, Wordpress is just more flexible and has a wider range of options. There's also a slight change in theme, but instead of describing it, why don't you go and check it out?

I'll keep this blog up for a while at least, so if anyone has linked to it or bookmarked it, this page will still exist.

Yes I am alive, and commenting on the delusion of choice

So it's been ages since I posted on here. I've been busy with work, skiing, getting a social life here, etc. and just haven't been 'around' as much online as I used to be.

When I was younger I always thought and said that I'd settle down when I got older, and not live the expatriate life like I did as a child. I was fairly adamant about it and I didn't see why I would change my mind. And yet, somewhere in the last 5 years of my life, that opinion has changed. What I struggle to pinpoint is the reason for that change. I mean, lets face it, any TCK can see that there are advantages of living the 'normal' life and growing some roots. There's the stability, the chance to learn a culture in-depth and, given enough time, maybe even become a part of it. There's the fact that you can surround yourself with friends, who can eventually become very good and trusted friends. If you have a family after you settle down, you can raise your kids in a 'normal' setting. Even if it's not your 'home' country or city, it will be your childrens' home country or city, and that way you can avoid putting them through the same difficulties, struggles and issues that you had to go through.

On the other hand, if I were to do that, would I be throwing away the opportunity to build on the incredibly enriching experience I've experienced in the first 21 years of my life? Somehow I can't help but wonder, despite the price you pay as a TCK when you're growing up in terms of rootlessness, loneliness, lack of belonging etc., what the additional cost of leaving all of that behind would be? Because the thing is, what if all of that good stuff doesn't happen? Obviously if you're going to try to settle down, you have to really commit to it. If you throw the towel in after 4 or 5 years, you haven't really tried. But what if after 10 or 15 years it still just isn't working? If I haven't made the close friends I imagine everyone else who is settled in one place has, if I haven't adapted to the culture the way I thought I would, if I haven't found a girl who can understand me, if I don't like my job, if it turns out I've chosen the wrong place to settle... how do I choose a place to settle down in anyway? On what basis, what criteria? As I get closer to graduating, this question crops more and more often. Soon I'll have to find a job - but 'the world is my oyster' as they say. I have no reason to restrict my job search by any of the traditional boundaries, apart from language perhaps, and there isn't even always a clear line there either. There's no reason why I couldn't just get up one day and decide to go to the other side of the world and live there for a couple of years. It just seems like such a daunting task, that I don't even know where to start - I don't even have a continent to aim for - and as a result I'm getting nowhere on that front.

But I digress. These days, more and more, I feel like I want to continue living as an expatriate. I don't know if it's just become a habit now, or if it's a fear of the unknown (which a 'traditional' life is), or if it's the fear of not succeeding at settling down. If it doesn't work out, I'll have wasted a huge chunk of my life, and for what? And even if I do manage, who's to say it's the right decision? I could be happy, but what if I could've been happier? I guess maybe I'm just reluctant to let go of what has been such a large part of my life. Heck, what HAS been my life.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't see any reason why the answers I'm looking for are more likely to come up in 'normal' life than in the expatriate life. Maybe it's just the delusion of choice, but I seem to have lost the way of thinking where I figured that settling down was the way I wanted to live, and it's been replaced by a complete lack of direction and focus in my life, which has been translated by my brain into 'keep doing what you've been doing'. Whether or not that's the right attitude, I suppose only time will tell.

TCKs in the news!

I was just idly listening to a local radio station in Switzerland today (local, but for English speakers in the region i.e. it's a station for international people, called World Radio Switzerland, based in Geneva) and by coincidence they interviewed a psychologist named Rachel Melville Thomas about moving, how to prepare your kids for it, what to expect from them etc. It's great that TCKs and moving families are getting coverage like this, especially in a region where there are a lot of families who work for international companies and organisations and who therefore are highly mobile.

As I listened to the interview, I typed up the questions and answers, because I thought there are probably quite a few people who would be interested in reading about it.

Q: How big a deal is it to move country?
A: Any kind of moving is a big deal, whether it's within a country or internationally. Children like things to stay the same, they like to have a sense of familiarity. Even if parents build up the move, if they say it will be exciting (for example they say that they will be living in a bigger house, they will be able to do activities like ski or ride elephants in India, they will be able to see new things), children won't be convinced - they like the familiar.

Q: When you know that a move is coming up, how far ahead of time should you prepare?
A: It depends on the age of the child. Young children are more or less happy where you are. In this case 2 or 3 months before moving, start practicing with the toddler for the move. For example, I know of a father who, every day after work, played 'moving toys' with his 2 year old. They took a toy truck and the father asked "what should we put in it? This block? This toy?" Consequently the child was prepared for the move and it went well.

Q: What about if the child is say between between 8 and 10?
A: A child at that age can cope with possibilities. Tell them as soon as you have a firmish idea, because they have a 'radar', they can know that something is up - no whispering behind closed doors, they'll pick up on it!.

Q: And what about adolescents/teenagers?
A: This is the hardest group, their whole being is wrapped up in friends and their peer group, activities in that particular geographical place. For some of them a move will be like ripping out the center of their lives. Telling them isn't the hard part, it's about how you manage the reaction. One thing that should be avoided is glossing. Parents tend to gloss - they look on the bright side and don't pay attention to grief. Adults have a wider picture, in other words they can see that the move might make more income for the family, or give a greater cultural experience. This is something that children might not see. Parents worry that their kids won't take it well, so they can go into 'hyperdrive' i.e. they point out only the positive aspects to the move and gloss over the bad bits. There is a school of psychology that says positive thinking is all you need to handle life's difficulties. But it doesn't work! I don't agree with it, especially not for children.

Q: So how do we help kids cope with grief and losing friends?
A: When a parent tells their child or children that say their job has moved, that they have to think about going somewhere else and leave where they are, find a new house etc., the child at this point may have a strong reaction. They might look cross, disappointed, disgruntled, and it's then that parents will go "but but but" - they begin to gloss. Parents SHOULDN'T do that, they should just say "I know" when a child says something like "but it will be hard to leave my friends behind". They should then leave it for a while (a few minutes, hours, days), let the child process it, give them time and space. Let them think about it and hopefully come up with justifications themselves for the move. Also for some people who have recently moved, you will find that sometimes kids like school or the new place, sometimes they don't. For example I was speaking to a girl in Switzerland who said "Switzerland's really rubbish isn't it?". I didn't really respond, I didn't say "how can you say that about Switzerland?" and later the same girl said "mind you, the mountains are nice and the chocolate is good." It's important to let them come to terms with the move, without you constantly trying to drill home the positive points.

Q: What about separating from friends. Do they need a farewell party, or should you visit places they are fond of?
A: I always say that good partings make good arrivals. Help children acknowledge what a special place they lived in. Take pictures of favourite places where you lived even if it's boring things like a park or a shop. With these pictures make an album or book of special places that they can take with them. Make sure that you get e-mail addresses and addresses from people. Take pictures of the actual house or apartment you live in. Some people don't realise they might want to do this until it's full of boxes for moving and everything is in a mess and disorganised.
HOST: I guess that might even help the parents.
RACHEL: Your children will only make as good a move as you are able to foster for them and parents are also coping with loss and change. It might be very hard to put that plastic grin on your face. It's fine to say to your kids things like "I feel sad about saying goodbye to ____ too", or "I will feel sad about not living near the local swimming pool, etc.".

Q: But at some point you do eventually look at the brighter points.
A: When you're talking to children, they have a very powerful internal life, a strong sense of how things are in their minds, their feelings. Pointing to outside things such as treats, rides, mountains, the surrounding culture and so on is only a tiny part of their experience. To feel secure and happy they need an inside feeling of security and comfort that the external things just can't meet. Some people just throw out stuff when they move and say "oh we'll get some new stuff" which isn't necessarily a good idea either.

CALLER, MIKE: I grew up as a military brat, we moved every 3 years more or less.
Q: What difficulties did you face?
A: Well there was definitely the stress of moving a lot. Changing school, for example in one school you might be at the top of your class, but in your new school you were at the bottom. Changing friends was hard as well of course. I think it's made me strong in the long run, but it certainly was hard at the time.
Q: Would you put your children through the same thing now? Would you move them around?
A: No I wouldn't want to. My wife lived in the same house, in the same small town until she grew up. I didn't have that, but I want it for my children.
HOST: Thanks Mike for your comments.

Q: Time to talk about more serious issues. Mike thinks he's a better person for it, but what happens sometimes with some children? Can there be serious ramifications?
A: Yes, some will find it very distressing and disturbing. It effects their ability to develop well and can have an impact on their behaviour and habits.
HOST: Is this more likely to happen with older children?
A: Well I think so. A child's peer group becomes supremely important around 8 and so any disturbances that effect that group are usually more important at an older age.

Q: What signs should parents look out for - what are some signs of not coping?
A: Most signs are behavioural, for example a child not wanting to leave the house, he or she isn't interested in outside activites. Sleep patterns may be disrupted, they might not eat properly or lose their appetite. Also old habits they'd got rid of come back, such as in young children bed wetting or sucking thumbs. Children can also have more coughs and colds. Their immune system goes down. All of these are signs of strain. Generally it's not simply the move that results in this, but it's also difficulties adjusting to the new situation. In many countries you will have the language of origin if it's English (either it will be spoken in the country, or the child will attend an international school where the language is English, even if outside of that enclosure people speak another language) but in some places where there isn't the familiar language, in particular in school, children might feel left out.

CALLER, KEVIN: I moved to Paris at 25, I married a French girl actually. We lived there for 7 years and had two sons. We then moved to Germany when our sons were 5 and 6. We had two more children there. We then moved to Switzerland when they were 5 and 6, so the older ones were 10 and 11. But I wanted to say that it's not just a question of kids, also spouses. The moves were really tough for my wife. Because she wasn't stable, it created knock-on effects for our kids. There was a language change twice - first from English to French and then from French to German. The kids were confused, they didn't know what language to speak. Kids adapt very well, they can put up with a lot. But a couple has to be stable.

RACHEL: A move puts strain on the whole family. You can see stresses popping up all over, which children can pick up on. It requires an enormous amount of tolerance from the non-working partner to working partner and vice versa. The working partner (often the man) wants to get on with life. It's very exciting, with new stimulating challenges. He or she may come home to find his or her partner unhappy, disgruntled or depressed and might say "what's wrong with you, go out and meet people". Women's relations with other women are scientifically proven to help their health in the long-run. One thing that may upset women is social input. The need to find a new support group as quickly as possible, through activities or school-based things perhaps, but they also need to stay in touch with their old support group. One thing I've gotten into recently is Skype, which I think is great for keeping in touch with old friends. Women need to find someone close to them, their mother, a sister, someone you trust. At the inter-spouse level it's also important to avoid glossing and to be prepared to accept grief and work through it.

Q: What steps should be taken if parents think kids aren't coping?
A: The first thing to do is pay attention to the child. Try asking politely what's wrong. However the child probably won't be able to say much or open up. But giving them space to do so can work. For example sympathising with them helps them feel like they have an opportunity to talk and open up - children look for a way in. You can give that to him by saying something like "oh it's not going quite as well as we thought it might". If parents are so positive about the move, how, as a child, do you say it's not going well? The child thinks "they're so happy with it, I can't let the side down". Talk to their teachers as well to see how things are going at school. They can also have friends outside of school, so get involved in activities, sports or otherwise, in your own language. They need to have home bases in their life.

Q: What time of timescale can you expect for transition? What if say after 12 months the child is still unhappy?
A: I think in Kevin's example the kids adjusted pretty well. You should expect that 6 to 8 months after moving they might still be wistful or sorrowful and that's fine. However, if there are still behavioural (sleeping/eating problems), some kind of functional breakdown at this time, you need to find help.

That was the end of the interview, but apparently the same psychologist will be back again next week, presumably at the same time. If I catch the interview again, expect another post along these lines!

Lifestyle habits

Thanks to Brice on TCKID for this! Below are 10 lifestyle habits that are very typical of your average TCK. All of them apply to me - with possibly the exception of 7, but my parents read a lot and I just grew up reading a lot... quite often when I left a country we'd sell off some of the books we'd picked up in the time we were there, but we still tended to move with quite a few.

1. Monthly plans for everything. Phone, Cable TV, and Internet. There’s no way I’ll buy a 3-year plan.

2. Laptop instead of a bulky Desktop PC. It’s useful when you visit family overseas.

3. I prefer to rent furnished. The thought of buying furniture irks me.

4. I don’t heavily decorate my room. Why bother buying fancy curtains and repainting? I’ll move soon.

5. I prefer watching movies online than owning DVDs. No, I’m not a pirate!

6. I’m very frugal. The less stuff I own, the less tied down and happier I feel.

7. I borrow books whenever possible. Ever tried moving a library? It’s not fun - books are heavy!

8. My career is mobile. I like being able to decide where I want to work.

9. I don’t have a large wardrobe at home but I dress well.

10. I don’t own any large pets.

What's funny is that just before I read this ten 'traits', I was buying a few things with my parents for the place I'm moving into in France later this month. I was very reluctant to buy furniture (there's only very basic furniture) and when I finally agreed to buy some, I really only wanted to go for something cheap - why spend lots when you're just going to leave it behind/sell it soon??

Temporary constancy

I am now back 'home' for the Christmas and New Year holidays. I'll be spending some time in the south of France and then hopefully some time skiing in the Alps in early January, before going to look for accommodation (amongst other things) in Annecy, France, my next abode.

On my last night in Liege, I had a Christmas dinner with friends. We cooked a couple of turkeys, a load of vegetables and consumed plenty of beer, wine and gluhwein! At the end they all surprised me (I had absolutely no idea this was coming) by giving me a box full of 'memories'. They had bought a flag of Wallonia and signed it, there were also pictures of us during the time I'd been there, a Santa Claus apron (they considered me the 'official chef') and of course, being in Belgium, ubiquitous chocolate. Having always lived in places before where people are used to friends, schoolmates and colleagues leaving, I'm not used to being given something when I leave. It's just a matter of life - you accept the parting of a friend and you go on with your life. You know it had to happen eventually and, in a way, you've spent all the time you've been together preparing for that moment. The people I met in Liege weren't Belgian, but they weren't TCKs like me either - they'd always lived in the same place, so they weren't accustomed to the same level of mobility and change in social circles as me. So I was quite touched to be given the 'memory box', it was a nice personal touch and left me with several things of sentimental value.

But now I'm at 'home' (as close to one as I'll find at the moment anyway). It's a house which we've had for the last decade roughly and I come back usually at least once each year. Even though it's not really home (it's in a country I've never technically lived in before and of which I'm not a citizen) and I don't speak the language fluently (although not far off), it's a place I can come back to and which is familiar to me. So, at least for a short time, I feel a sense of familiarity - not necessarily like I'm at home - but at least something that I recognise and that is constant.

Last day of work

Yesterday was my last day at work here in Belgium, and saying goodbye to all my colleagues finally brought on the usual 'leaving symptoms'. It's the first time really that my leaving plans have actually begun to have an impact on my life. I also really don't like goodbyes - this is one case where the saying "practice makes perfect" doesn't apply, at least not for me.

As 'celebration' for having finished my job I bought myself a waffle on the way home yesterday (hey, student budget...). The Liegois certainly know how to make the best waffles in the world! They're definitely something I'll miss when I leave. I need to see if I can procure myself a lifetime's supply somehow...

I leave in 11 days, during which time I need to pack, arrange things like closing my bank account, cancelling my phone SIM card, etc. and of course say goodbye to all of the friends I've made here. Tonight I'm going to the Christmas market in town to have dinner with a group of people at one of the stalls, which should be good. The Christmas market here is really nice, in one place they've grouped huts around an ice skating rink and they serve drinks and food. The atmosphere is fantastic, unlike any other Christmas market I've been to before. I'll always remember my first Christmas market though - in 1994, in the German embassy in Beijing!

In the last week I've also been sampling the local nightlife (well, maybe a bit more than sampling). It was St. Nicolas yesterday, and in Liege the students celebrate it by going out a couple of days before the actual day. So Monday and Tuesday night were spent in the carre, sandwiched between thousands of other students (as you can see in the picture on the left). It was essentially one huge party, unlike anything you get in England. Over the weekend I also went to Bruges, to see an ice sculpting festival. It wasn't bad, although a little disappointing after the scale of the ice festival in Harbin, which I visited in the mid-90's.

Despite at the moment having some regrets about having to leave, I have to admit that it was very nice this morning to not have to get up at 6:30 to go to work!

Moving on

For the last four months I've been working for an aerospace engineering company in Liège, Belgium, as a placement/internship for my degree. But very soon it will be time to move on to sunnier (and hopefully snowier) pastures in France. Sadly four months isn't enough time to really learn and get involved in the culture, but I've certainly tried to make the most out of it! I managed to visit all of the sites and cities I'd aimed to visit before I arrived (with the exception of Antwerp, but I still have another 2 weeks to get there).

I'd have to say the highlights were Ghent, Bruges (and the ice sculpture festival), les gaufres de Liège, le carré in Liège, Maastricht, the friendliness (with the usual exceptions of course) of the Liègeois, and just the general international atmosphere as a result of the Erasmus exchange students I spent so much time with here. That last point is something I've missed during my university studies in England. But Belgium is a fantastic place for visiting old cities, within the country as well as in neighbouring countries, with its great transport links and easily accessible sites. In the future I'm not sure it will be as easy to get up one morning and hop on a train on a whim just to see where it goes. I think the two most interesting things that I have experienced in Liège or that the city has given me are 1) the chance to live in a country without a government and 2) a new-found appreciation for the cleanliness of the streets in Paris, particularly with regard to a certain type of animal excrement... I mean I've lived in dirty places before, but in terms of that, the scale of the problem in Liège is remarkable.

There are people and places I will miss naturally, but they will be replaced by other people and places in France - that's just a part of moving on. The problem with such a short expatriation is that you go into it knowing that you'll be leaving so soon - which leads to you questioning the point of putting effort into meeting people, making friends and getting attached to the place. I've met people here who I've had great times with, staying up with a beer (or several) until the early (or late) hours of the morning just talking, or visiting other Belgian cities, but the entire time I've known that this day would come. From previous moves I know that, despite the advent of MSN, Skype, e-mail, etc. we will lose touch. There's nothing that quite replaces a person's actual voice or presence. But all good things have to come to an end. In this case, if it wasn't now it would be next June when everyone else I know leaves. And I know that although I've enjoyed my time here, Liège certainly isn't the place that's going to convince me to put my suitcase down.

So I'm off to France until next August, again for a placement. Having more or less lived there before (or at least spent enough time there to know) I pretty much know what to expect and it's not going to be wildly different to Belgium. But until then, I'll be soaking up the atmosphere here for the last few times (insert terrible pun here about the weather). The christmas market has just opened and looks like it should be very interesting, plus it will give me the opportunity to stock up on things like beer, chocolate and peket to take with me!